.Friday, February 10, 2006 ' 8:45 PM Y
=x
Mood : Dying. Stupid. Reckless. Hurt. And not thinking clearly. Only happy bt tests. Big deal. Sigh. =( =( =( =( -=( =( =)
When I look at her I see many things.
Firstly, flashbacks of before. It was nice. Nothing special anymore. When you've developed someone new within you that uses different things to bury feeling you're not the same anymore.
Next...many many many painful feelings come in mind. you just want to die. Every moment that you live you want to die..if you don't have her.
And finally....depressioon. But mostly you keep it to yourself. Pretty noticeable though.
I saw her today. Why was she there I have no idea. And that part was just bursting out of me. I want her. I need her. Ive gone mad.
And I killed it. Destroyed every inch of existence in it. And something within me changed.
I'm scared. What did I do to myself?
I never saw her face. Too dark for that. And I didn't look like I was looking anyway.
So different from all of me.
Me. I just love hating me. I'm a athlete who doesn't look like one, pretty much the opposite.
I have lots of pimples for some reason.
I smell bad for some reason.
I'm not intelligent for some reason.
And I've got all these talents and responsibilities i don't want for some reason.
And a lot of problems for some reason.
Dear Heavenly Father? What is the reason?
I kinda know there's a purpose.
But hey.
This really stinks.
Me. I'm really...burstign to say and do something. To say ' I love you. ' To say how much she means to me. A lot of things.
And I hate, I HATE keeping it to myself!!!!
It cuts and cuts again.
When i see her my heart sinks like a stone.
I cry no longer because I love her so.
I cry because I know, there is no more hope left.
There is no more hope left.
For me.