.Saturday, September 30, 2006 ' 9:59 AM Y
=x
Mood: Dark. So dark you don't even begin to understand...
Mostly to Junice. While I'm still in this state. I don't know. It's all true, and I'll probably apologise for it later, but i can't take it back. I've held it in for so long, I don't even imagine what I am now. just an
Abomination...and
a
Shadow of who I was.So coincidental that my desk just so happens to say.Who I was hates who I am... now.I'm so sorry Jun. So moody lately. Can't decide who or what I am being...
feel so evil. feel the darkness within me seep up to the surface...no longer hidden, distraught by the chaos around me...
so stressed...so tired...so insecure...so unsure...so evil...
I can't find myself again.
The cold hearted individual. Or warm hearted loving kid.
Lolz. Was never ever some great guy. I never had anyone tell them they love me without being betrayed. but hell. that's life. isn't it?
I'm really quite the loser. Not typical, obviously. I'm way too special for that. Hah.
and I guess it's true, because everyone's tired of my cold behaviour. my anti socialism, my rudeness, my sarcastic and pointless comments, my irritating self...
the truth is. nobody's better than me.
becuz the more evil i am, the more you backstab. the more you pretend to be all so good andkind and great friends and say things you don't mean when actually right behind their backs, you'd say 'that bitch' or 'f*****'
Am I really that bad becuz i don't backstab? Lolz.
Even wee, nick...they''re like that.
the difference is that im not typical. if I hate you, i'll show you i hate you. i'll make you suffer and make you feel like a loser, tear your life apart, blackmail, slander, point out your worst weaknesses and your long forgotten nightmares.
Because I am that darkness. Lifes picked on me for too long...
Cna you even IMAGINE trying to love someone for so long and hide it all within you? watching everyday as she wouldn't even give you a second glance. that she'll frown, she'll say ' i hate you'..
she'll curse you, make your life miserable, hate you when you love her.
that's life. isn't it great?
7 years of darkness and misery.
maybe it used to strengthen me. sure, as a kid, i don't deny i screwed up. too much positive emotions, maybe. i always thought she fel t the same way, sometimes i'd show ppl that i loved her. a bit too outright. way too outright.
but i stopped. and i started being more than i am...all for everything...
i should have realized right there and then...
i was nothing. i was never anything significant. that nobody gave a shit bt me, that nobody cared enough to tell me anything. that i was too sensitive for my own good.
i didn't F****** choose to be sensitive. or to be stupid. I've got nothing.
you can't imagine anything. you don't know pain, or love, or true hurt. the kind which wells up in your heart so bad you cry every night. the kind that makes you heart ache when you see her everyday...
that everyday...she seems so flawless, so utterly beautiful, so unbelievably devastating, even literally. that you're captivated by her presence alone.
i don't know who i am. who is Luke Ho anyway? some guy trying to buy his way into school and hard times by being NICE. what a joke.
is he some kind of madman? like spilit personality, some guy totally aware of his evil actions? always a possibility.
or maybe some kind of guy he made himself out to be: ShadowFighterX. Trying and struggling to be a hero despite his past, his darker emotions, his unrequited love, his unforeseen circumstances that tear him apart.
he's supposed to survive, for his friends, for his lost family, for her. the one he loves the most, and eventually for god.
in that case. i shoudl really stop writing in it.
cuz it's true. until the end, that is.
And this is the real truth.
Everyday, I lived for you. Not my friends who showed me they loved me and cared for me, and eventually just gave up finding time for me.
Not my teachers. No matter how much I trusted them...they showed me what I was supposed to do. Like. Showing you the door but only you can open it, kinda thing. Guess what. I slammed it back in their face. Probably, given up on me too.
Obviously not my crushes. Cuz I played them...and myself, deluded that maybe i could forget you that way. i was wrong. and hell im sorry.
So what now? I'm addicted to something else now. To give me relief. And it sure ain't POLO.
What am I saying?
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
And I'm dead without you.
I'm dead without you.
There's no soul, no life, no reason to live.
I don't exist.
A much darker Shadow of who I was...
Cold. Brutal. So little light in me to try and hold myself back...
if i don't go mad, or if someone saves me for a short while, please forgive me. maybe tomorrow, and the day after that, and the day after that, the pain will just go away.
This isn't about you anymore. It's about me caring for me at last. Being selfish. yay.
Tomorrow I will be so much darker than before...
Aren't you Ice.AbominationRebourneXBe happy. ShadowFighterXSorry.AlterEvil