.Monday, December 18, 2006 ' 11:09 PM Y
=x
Mood: ...
It's 11.10 pm in the night. As of 3 hours, or less, I will see Anna again. Talk about finally. It's almost two years without my oldest sis.
And...so bored today. Mum's been blasting me to study. I bet i won't even finish typing out what I wanna say before she comes up here to bust me. Sigh.
Yep. Busted.
hate her. really.
so much for being a good christian.
yeah yeah. don't remind me.
yesterday's original post.
Mood: ///Huh.
'I don't recognize you anymore', she said. I paused a moment, trying to process the words through my mind. A habit.
She's the third one to say that, rang through my mind.
I don't know about you. Whether you knew me since I was a kid, since pri school, since secondary school...or only for a couple of months? Everyone, more or less, knows someof the story.
The story goes deeper than that, of course. Nobody. Knows. HiJack.
I wish I knew.
So another day goes past, as boring as ever. Lonely, insignificant. I sound like one of those self-pitying comics now. Obsessed.
Maybe, to those, who actually drop by here, or don't. It's a great way to express my feelings. Like my mum. I hate her a lot. Even more than last time. I didn't realize that wa possible. Why? Well. I'm not saying.
Peh. It sure doesn't look like my face is burnt or Im poor.
I just hate to be alone. Yesterday, I had both. I was definetely, definetely unclean yesterday. Im fighting this stupid battle all by myself without anyone to tell me that's it's going to be okay.
I'm supposed to have both.
Isn't my life supposed to be great or something? So why am I so disappointed?
Love. Love. Love. Or just the lack of it. Or maybe overdone love.
I never realized it was possible to crush someone with too much love. Irony. The opposite effet of exactly what you're trying to do. That has to be painful.
That has to be heartbreak...
1 Corinthians 13; 4-8.
Love is long suffering, love is kind, it is not jealous, love does not boast, it is not inflated. It is not discourteous, it is not selfish, it is not irritable, it does not enumerate the evil.It does not rejoice over the wrong, but rejoices in the truth It covers all things, it has faith for all things, it hopes in all things, it endures in all things. Love never falls in ruins; but whether prophecies, they will be abolished; or tongues, they will cease; or knowledge, it will be superseded.
4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8Love never fails.
I need to know someone, anyone out there loves me. Anyone who thinks that hey, Luke is actually significant in my life.
I've done a lot of things. Yesterday, the pastor told us all quite frankly, that God looks at the heart, not at the gift. So much for making a big deal out of everything I've been doing for the whole of my life.
I thought that maybe, I could have satified my Christian duty by serving people. But after I changed, it turns out change or not, it wouldn't have happened. Because I didn't want to save Bryan. I didn't want to fight for my friends, for what I believed in. I didn't want to love her. I didn't want to love anyone I didn't need to. I didn't...
My mind, spirit and soul was there. But my heart was not. I had given it away.
How is it coming back to me? Piece by piece, ever so painfully?
...and then I realize. That God loves me. That he's going to get me through.
My memories come back to me. My time in church, the events in pri school, up to my memories in New Town.
Songs. Laughter. Talk. Walking around, with a bunch of people behind me, all taking to my lead. Wasn't that nice.
Sure, I might not be significant in your life. Now or last time. Maybe once upon a time...
The memories of my people, being a leader those days comes back to me.
Now I have a people again. Definetely not in this world though.
I wish I had been more for you.
You don't recognize Luke Ho. Personally. I don't recognize him either. All I know is that's he's pretty much messed up and confused. Maybe you all care to disagree, but you'll never know, would you?
...I know who loves me.
I'm just not ready to pretend that I can see you, feel yoor love for me...
My sensitivity is coming back. Or to be exact, Hyper-Sensitivity.
Lolz. Irony.
...So. I thought that I surrendered my life to God already. But since I have both...well..circumstances make things a little different.
I have one last chance to be who I was before. My best moments, living as Luke.
...so what makes me, me?
My name is Luke. The name of Luke means, 'light'.
...hell. it's payback time.
...I miss you.