.Friday, January 19, 2007 ' 6:42 PM Y
=x
Mood: Well. Here it it.
So...
Stopped writing SFX for a while. Too many tests next week, and JunXiang is a total monster. lolz.
And..had played the one on one with subhas.
After an all out match, which was rather physical...
I won. I prayed that I'd win, I hoped I'd win, I had trained to win, and I won.
You should know how I feel.
But you don't. Cuz I'm miserable.
..yeah well. God was why I won. I sure didn't win it by myself. I had been playing so much longer than him, my decreased stamina should have killed me on the court. But it didn't. Supernatural.
But it's when I won, and saw the look on Subhas' face when I accidentely hit him on that last shot...I really felt sad. I still feel sad. I think I almost cried. And it means so much, I'm really not ashamed to admit it right now.
I think my eyes are opened.
God, what was I turning into..?
...I lost myself. I lost the goodness of anything. Every single day, thanks to HIJACK, I have to fight a battle in my mind, but this is ridiculous.
...I lost my heart.
Maybe the whole 8 year thing with Junice shook me up bad, because I don't trust at all. That it sticks in my mind...and im emotional, sensitive and afraid to be hurt.
Big deal.
God. I can't believe I lost wee. Wee and I have been through wayyy too much for any of this to happen. I mean, wee has always been this judgemental anyway, and I've always listened but never taken it seriously anyway, so why the hell did I choose now of all times to be angry at him? Does he think I didn't care about our friendship at all?
and alternatively, I could be very wrong about this.
and teacher. ...sigh. i told her. i knew what was going to happen, and I couldn't do anything. I really don't blame her if she's lost all faith in me. but i think i need her now more than ever.
and clarissa. i mean, she has every right not to care about me. i have no idea how to talk to her nowadays, im irritating and im silly.
..crap, i just wanted so much to be
her silly...
Oh gosh, I'm crying. these f****** tears just won't stop. i hate it.
subhas just sent me and sms. i think my guilt level just went up a notch.
I need to be forgiven.
ShadowFighterX