.Wednesday, January 03, 2007 ' 2:29 PM Y
=x
Mood: ..oh.
Well. What a way to start school.
Ms Angeline Ang is our form teacher. Yay, I don't know quite yet. I's 10 periods a week after all. 50 minutes a day. I could really get sent back into counselling for either a really bad crush or heartbreak. And that;ll be soon.
Family's doing okay, at least.
Stressed. Confused. Consumed. Everything is just boring into me, lust, anger, regret, HIJACK, and lots of inner struggles. I really don't know what I'm going to do.
...it's so bad I'd think prayer doesn't work.
But it sucks to be addicted to things you aren't supposed to be addicted to. And I'm speaking freely. because, I'm tired. And sad. And desperate.
Is it too much to ask to be the best in at least something? It's hard to think of even.
Sometimes, I fight against the inner demons in their mind. Every day, I almost kill myself for someone else.
And this is when I've discovered my root problem.
Firstly, I'm getting too arrogant. Too many unrealistic expectations. HIJACK isn't helping either. My arrogant attitude is leading me into depression, outbursts of anger and inner sadness. Which sucks. Yeah.
Secondly, I stopped giving. When I was being a best person I could be, the guilt never bothered me. Now it's all I think about. The darkness shouldn't consume me this much, should it? I can't even think about God now because I feel guilty. And yet, the addicttion stays.
Honor God with your body.Personally, karma is not something new to me, and wouldn't quite believe in it, because good people get a lot of crap. But when you stop giving, you DEFINETELY get a lot of crap. So I guess that's a start.
Teacher talked to me, and I think from now I'll have to make HIJACK a little more obvious. I need this. To those who know, trust me as you always have. I need this.
I'm glad she was there for me. =)
...the news to all my fellow HIJACKERS (if only BlackNight would take this seriously and TALK about it?! or Jang?!) that I've tried again and again to not help anymore. To live my own life, God's life, in reality. I figure God will save us all eventually. But my faith is either that weak or I am that mad to think that I'm tired for fighting for people I don't know, people who'll never know who I am. Which all the more, is my arrogant attitude. That I want the credit. But God doesn't expect me to claim it.There are so many reasons right now? Why there is a dagger sinking into the depths of my heart, and when it hits rocks bottom, my heart will break? I can't understand it.I don't know what to do.But the good news? I've found the Ring. The ring that everyone on that planet was searching for? I found the one in reality. Can you imagine it? The ring came to me, in Las Vegas, and cost quite a bit, but pebbles compared to all those other fancy stuff. And tomorrow, I'm giving it to someone to hold on to. I can't give it to my mentor, or to you guys, but at least you'll know, it's safe.When this is all over. My mind will finally be free of the darkness.Why did he give me both? I heard him . He told me. This is my calling.But why am I so tired? So angry, so sad, so broken that I'm willing to give up? Am I relying on him?..I can't do anything anymore.