.Tuesday, January 16, 2007 ' 7:41 PM Y
=x
Mood: ..miserable. angry. disappointed in being me.
Cheered up a little.
I mean, a little. seriously.
so..wore myself out today. and lost to subhas TWICE, because i had no energy.
I'm either very good at making excuses for myself or I'm out of shape.
..but i admit it larh. im really out of shape, and my fear level is higher because i've been so pissed off these days that even taking off my glasses doesn't increase my abilities now.
...I need to learn some new techniques. To take advantage of my speed...
But my stamina sucks.
ARRGH.
my mind is so not focused on my studies.
oh yarh. the training...was cancelled, cuz i was stupid enough to hold it in school...
..yeah..things didn't go quite as planned..but not bad larh...all of the players can play a little...
if only there was someone to teach me...
I'm going to make a prayer now. A selfish prayer, but a prayer nonetheless.
And if God answers this prayer, I'm going to never, ever, relate to my past again.
...And my request is to help me be the best I am.
Teacher told me, that not being the best doesn't make me not good.
But I'm not good if I'm not the best.
I've had it with losing in the things that matter most to me. I have no social life ( as in, this time not just including a girlfriend, but all sort of other things as well) and I hate losing in basketball. Anything but losing one-on-one.
There is no room for compromise. Once the best, always the best.
I don't care anymore.
..This thing is not about God. This is about me, and what I want.
And finally, I can admit that. it's pathetic, but what the hey.
I want to be the best. And god never seems to do that for me. Is that so wrong? It's just this thing.
Of course, the part of 'giving your whole life to God' does make me feel a little guilty.
So I've decided.
After my leg heals from that really painful cramp, I'm going to challenge Subhas one-on-one.
I'm going to train for it, build up my stamina, and my strength.
And if I lose, I'm never going to play basketball on a school team again.
I'm never going to care about how pathetically I play on the court.
I'm never going to care if I lose.
...because I just can't.
I just can't keep getting clobbered by everything around me. I care too much about things not worth caring about.
God, I want to win.
And I know I can't win without you, because I'm helpless by my own might.
So...can you help me win?
..huh. not exactly a prayer.
But I'm tired. If life as a Christian is going to be like this, with a horrible past, HIJACK, not being able to cope with studies and sports, I don't want any part of it.
...I'm just so, so, so, so, tired of being clobbered. Of being put down.
Wee's ignoring me. I try to be a little better and be nice to him, but what do I get? huh.
forget it. I'm not even going to tell him I like the song. it's nice, and hell freeze over before he ever knows that.
and teacher read this, because otherwise she wouldnt know nuts. she's on his side and stuff. i guess. she probably likes him better. he doesn't blast people on HIS blog. so much for all the support and stuff. I'm never ever going to get my ring back.and just in case she reads this and really doesn't like me for everything and is on wee's side, I'll just say this.
I hate you for it. (this clearly only applies if aboe is true.)
Because...
Of because. Screw that. Forget it.
God,
I hate life.
I hate living.
I hate it when everyone else is smiling but I'm not cuz I don't know how to smile.
I hate happiness. It's so unreliable, and temporary.
I hate it all.
Nobody loves me. Nobody cares.
Apparentely you do, but haha. I take it for granted.
This is not love.
..now I feel lousy.
One day at a time.