.Sunday, February 04, 2007 ' 1:19 AM Y
=x
Mood: Meh.
Okay so things in the morn were total crap. my contacts broke apart in my hands, had to wear specs, then no time to play bball, and when i finally did i sucked like crazy. what the heck is with that?! ah well. ..that's not all, but the detials are so little that id rather not type it. stuff bt rushing.
SS and Lit. tests on monday..probably got math also..
loads of hw..haven;'t got time to complete..
maybe it's i just i can';t be bothered anymore...
feeling just abandoned and lonely. maybe it's a usual thing, but people shouldn't think that. it's not as if i don't need love or affection.
stupid wee. and his family. and stuff. hate it when he's happy. im not even going to pretend i don't know. i mean seriously, if that's the way it's gonna be...
darn it. i've got to fight back. i've got to prove to myself that i can do anything i want to if i try hard enough, like being the best one-on-one bball player there ever was or will be, finish my novel..get through sec 3...win cross country..there are just so many things i need to do with the life i have now, and it seems that God has no intention of letting me get these things without all sorts of insignificant stuff getting in the way. maybe it's a test. who knows?
..i hate being lonely. maybe it's not a loneliness issue. painful memories brought back these past few days. especially of happy memories which turn into sad ones because i know im never going to have those memories with those people.
1. Subhas. 2. Weng Siang 3. Hong Kai 4. Joshua 5. Lewis 6. Hiro 7. Jason
So in no order whatsoever, the 7 best players my age i've ever knwon. that i have to beat entirely. goal time. and hiro isn't my age, but i wanna beat him anyway. maybe im better than him now. got to pull out all the stops. know
invincible.Ah ma's birthday today. Dinner was not very filling. chinese restaurant, whaddya expect me to eat? a little duck, cake and steam fish. and two cans of sprite. and free karoake. a little embarassing, but so much fun. much more selection of english songs then k-box. they really out to get one of those systems in the restaurant installed in the k-box thing.
Lately, been a bit worried bt pearly..meh. i just wonder how she can go through all of that heartbreak crap. not going to say i know how that feels. quote yifeng, 'iwasn't even attached to her' ..like i wasn't attached to junice, but well.
I guess it's the way you view love. Like when younger, lots of mean ppl kept mocking me bt loving junice, yeah..but the truth is, when they get to this age, then they know. of course, they convieniently forget they mocked me as a kid, which became pretty traumatizing for me, but when i see them in their pathetic heartbroken state it someone reminds me of me, and i don have the heart to be all that mean to them.
maybe im not all that evil. huh.
im a good person. i can love someone. my love tank is not 'empty'. nobody judges that. nobody decides that. pathetic, lonely and desperate, yes, but definetely not incapable of loving.
like my parents, my friends aren't there?
i don want to love them in the same way i would love
her. that would just be weird and pretty wrong. so yeah. a little explaination/confession on my part.
it's so wrong to be upset that the people around you are so, so happy...
..but if i could just get one thing in life that would keep me happy forever, that would be it.
i hate to say it, but maybe what im looking for just can't be in God.
Putting it bluntly, God doesn't fulfill my needs. I don't feel a desire to love him as i once did, and fail to love him also as i once did.
Not anymore.
...and i question baptism again.
still got to go for those classes one way or another.
stupid emotions, always leave you confused and hurt and get in your way...ShadowFighterX