.Tuesday, February 06, 2007 ' 9:23 PM Y
=x
Mood: Yeah well...
wee just sent me something. first words in 3 weeks, and that's pretty much it.
first reaction is to get very pissed off. i don't need to be your friggin neighbour and stuff. gosh, how arrogant can you possibly get? you 'choose not' to talk to me for three weeks and then you come up with this? and then you use God's name. get a life.
second reaction is the whatever reaction. the 'i can't be bothered anymore because i just lost to hongkai again due to my crappy compromise and crappy shoes and im still thinking about it..and clarissa hates me more than you now and i can't be bothered with you' reaction.
the third one is going on now. but well. its not as hostile as the other two. I asked God about what God told wee, and I...(at least, after i cooled down)
..I guess I'm really not concerned anymore. What happens next in my life is really whatever God has in store for me, and whether it's horrible defeat in basketball to being the No.1 player, or lousy academic achievement to the opposite, or broken friendship...to brotherly love, I don't know.
For me, wee, the thrill in my life, my mindset is that the thrill in my life is not knowing what's going to happen and getting frustrated at it, because the whole time God has it under control. To be over-emotional and worried and to ponder about something bad or about someone you love...and when God comes through, the feeling is amazing. That's pretty much why i do things, without all that much fear of the consequences. I believe that one way or another, it will be handled, it can be controlled, and if I'm the one to do it...Maybe I suffer a little more because of that, but...
I do choose a lot of bad times to be weak in faith.
Oooh. Chinese teacher busted me for not signing the crappy paper..what the heck, he didn't call mum in the end. oh well. and speaking of mum. she was so horribly moody today i felt like breaking something...
yeah well that's over now.
training tomorrow. im not too estatic this time..the guys got ATP till 3.30..and i have to beat hong kai and subhas before that timeframe to feel good about myself.
...i guess another confession is that i really miss teacher. And clarissa. not that she comes here anymore, and now that all of her spiritual family has blogs, it was easy to set up that invitation thing. oh well.
i guess i don't bear a grudge anymore. although it kinda pains me that she really hates me now, or at very least, can't be bothered with me anymore. people jsut don't reflect on the good times you spend with them. wee didn't. clarissa didn't. yeah well.
People come and go, and sometimes, as teacher told me once in sec 1 when i first started to talk to her, it's touch and go. they just come into your life for a certain purpose and you drift away from them for some weird reason. come to think of it, caleb told me the same thing.
heck, im drifting away from everyone. bad enough im a girl-repeller, i don't need to be a touch-and-go guy now, do i?!
so is it so wrong to say that nobody loves me? well, except God, but a lot of comfort that does. that's one of the main problems of my christian life, i don't understand or recognize God's love in my life. like my home, my family, friends...they're there because of him, and im grateful. but when they start to drift away, is that like..taking away his love?
oh well.
not a lot of people come here anymore, so I'll say this...
every selfless thing i've done in primary school, and the few selfless things i've done here...it was all because I truly believed, that God loves you. Those times, I felt God didn't love me, so it was pretty much better me then you.
God loves you, and you can experience his love.
...it's weird coming from a guy who thinks that God doesn't love him as much, but I guess that would be because I don't rely on God as much as before, I become engrossed with my basketball, my social life, my academic life...it's sad and pretty wasted actually. so we'll see how it goes...
a covenant here...if i beat subhas, hongkai, wengsiang..joshua...for the rest of my time in secondary school..then i promise God, and to you guys, that I will spend all that basketball time, devoting myself to training my team and devoting myself to please him with the talent he has given me.
If I win tomorrow, it will change everything for me...
The people who affected my life most, who made me who I am...all those from my novels ShadowRealm and ShadowFighterX, and the GEP classes in HPPS, my church guys and gals you know who you are, my teachers who mean more than teachers to me, my ex-classmates who touched my life..anyone i missed out...
This is who you have made me. I don't regret it. It's the ride that counts, not how thrilling it is or how much it sucks.
I guess most of you can feel his love rather than me. take that step.
later.
ShadowFighterX