.Sunday, February 25, 2007 ' 11:42 AM Y
=x
Mood: ..oh.
The dream yesterday really gets to me..
not just because it was positively erotic and very sensual...
but also because of the other events..the flight, the people in it...
it was A HIJACK dream.
it was very powerful, lasted very, very long. quite traumatising, and ...well. i've become more than myself again.
but trying to find myself within that kind of universes...
it's...more than i can take.
for the rest of my life, I'll have to live with losses and experiences that never actually happened.
the worst part..is that no one will understand...no one will believe me..no one will know the truth, except for those who know, but even that they will keep within their own minds...
I dont' feel good.
I don't feel good at all.
Back here, my life just falls apart...
...I pretty much acknowledged Subhas' standard to mine...he's getting better, and a part of me really hates that...
Currently I would be the No.1 basketballer one-on-one wise in Singapore..for locals at my age, I would think. Otherwise I just missed a bunch of ppl out who I haven't challenged yet...
Like Leon? Hmm. The Rv match arranging still has some complications...
Subhas called me the other day...
A little pissed at nick for not telling me he was going to join sch team...didn't even tell me. huh. ..he already has ncc and shooting right? I dunno. Wonder how he has so much free time. and time to study?
...anyway, subhas made me an offer to join back. the school team. naturally im hesistant about this. people keep bothering me about this...bout' why I'm not in the school team. my mum tells me I shouldn't expect to be the best. she just doesn't know how to say encouraging things. very pissing off. but i tell you.
if im not already the best, I'm going to be the best. making it a promise to myself. to break my limit breaker, again.
...junice still isn't talking to me...
...mm. pearly's acting weird...
bball competition on march 18..wonder if i shld ask my team to join..but knowing ben he'll probably end up pissing me off...if he doesn[t bring the ball on monday he will piss me off...if the team goes for training on sat but not wed it will piss me off...
..leaving the team sounded promising, but im not going to abandon tom and waikeat. i owe them, to say the least.
subhas goes on to say stuff bt how great the team will be...
PG: Hong Kai
SG/SF: Weng Siang
SF: Me...?
PF/C: Bei Ji Xiong/ Nick?
C: Subhas
...like that kind of scenario..it' true, that would be an all-star new town team...
but I'm sick of proving myself to other people. who the hell judges whether I'm better than subhas or hong kai or not? I don't need to be judged. ...because i don't give a shit how tricky hong kai is, or how strong subhas is, on a match, on a one-on-one, and with a permanent injury to the right leg, I'm going to win.
I have never been more determined about this in my life than now.
...So with or without the team, I'll decide later. but I'm going to be the best.
...In my life...
there's no junice. or clarissa. or yanlin. or shimin.
or ximin. or ms ang.
...I have to guard my heart now.
the dream..and everything I want.../need, to do with my life...
it's over.
..I'm just so lost now. Missing the kind of love I've always needed....So what if I love her? ...she'll never love me. she never could, she never will...I made a mistake of thinking that I could get on without her. ...friendship just doesn't satisfy needs or criteria.I've made this decision. ...yeah.
but my gosh. you have no idea how much I miss you.ShadowFighterX