.Friday, March 23, 2007 ' 7:10 PM Y
=x
Mood: sigh.
haven;t been blogging properly lately..
today is just one of those days..
mm...breezed through the lessons rather effectively..tons of homework as usual but if i cram like crazy then i can finish it tonight ( which i won'[t do, so i'll finish it by sat night) .
mm..all started after schooll...played bball while waiting for commnendation day rehearsals...
Played for quite a bit had a little fun...
I was doing fantastic despite my ankle..and subhas had to ram me..
I just didn't wanna play anymore..wanted to back out..
the he called me and pussy and whatever...
Im not angry anymore..more like hurt. he of most people should understand. but if all he can do to impress his teammates is to humiliate me, so be it. he should learn to hear himself speak though. maybe someday, he'll realize why...
well let's just say i know something about his life that he himself doesn;t...
but being the loyal best friend I am despite his being an asshole today, im not going to tell him...
that's what friends are for huh..
so my ankle felt much worse..went to rest in the hall talked to ben goh awhile..he's pretty much my favourite junior. of cuz after him there's 'brother', 'boss', 'boxers' and 'liao man' of i only know two out of their actual real names. lolz. they seem content with the nicknames though. ahahs.
commendation day rehearsal sucked...so long so boring big waste of time..
i hated it..almost fell asleep cuz i was so tired and hadn;t eaten lunch but even then they wouldn;t let me rest...
hobbled to tom's place where we didn't end up playing bball after all. was pretty mad bt it internally but after seeing where he was emotionally i felt pretty compelled to never bring up that issue. he's matured a lot. lolz.
i hope he doesn't screw up.
im just so tired right now..
this got me to think a lot, so im writing this now after i've just bathed...
just thinking and wondering how it would be like to put my arms around my girlfriend again...
except that it seems i'll never be attached again....
i wonder how people can exist with being single..it sucks..
somehow, there's some sort of untapped energy within me..which is starting to come out...
especially during basketball...i did something i wasn't even capable of that wasn't tyko..it was as if i felt the shot so well...
was taking up a driv against subhas, nick and hubert all at once...then i jumped...they jumped...
i faked in mid-air, pulled off a three sixty and shot backwards. it was like that moment i saw myself pulling it off in my mind...
scored in one jump. the thrill was unbelievable.
and suddenly i was on the ground stumbling slightly, as if the shot was just a memory...
but i pulled it off..
mm. weird.
so anyway now im just resting my ankle..
i realize something..
how envy easily gets a hold of me..how vulnerable i am to sin..
maybe that's what blocks God's blessings from me..after all, im envious of my best friends and god-bros...
Adrian.
Subhas.
Tom
Waikeat...
but i'm christian. i love God. no matter how i screw up, i've always loved God. I wish they had what I had, but in some sort of place in my heart, if God became the Lord of their lives because of me, they would have him..and maybe i might have some of what they have..
it's horrible to realize how evil i can be inside...
want to call someone later to talk out my feelings..
but i've barely been social.
haven;'t been talking half as often to Grace and gang, JJ, my ex-classmates.., my primarysch classmates...
...i don't know..what's making me become destestable..?
hell, nobody pays attention anymore..
mrs ang..
ms chan..
even mrs leong.
haiz. is there no hope for my self inflicted depression?
maybe i want love in my life. by some miracle, if junice ever fell for me, i would love her with emancipation of every burning moment she barely existed in my life.
but i would die if she left.
so that's pretty much the end of it.
..
yeah im feeling alone.