.Saturday, September 08, 2007 ' 11:01 PM Y
=x
Mood: hurt.
just came back from david and daniel tai's house.
the bbq was fun.
jen didn't come. i was throughly disappointed.
got to talk to pam awhile. good to talk to her. really.
bball.
soccer.
guitar.
especially guitar. haha.
im feeling serious now, especially after all the immature nonsensical fun i just had.
I don't know why these thoughts keep going through my mind.
I don't know why I'm such a coward to tell her how I really feel.
How I really felt.
So this is for you.
You'll probably see this while doing my new blogskin.
thus you know this is for you, my mei.
You surprised me today with your laugh. it was amusing since i really didn't know you were there. the look on your face still makes me chuckle in bemusement.
earlier when you said your figure was terrible, I thought it was one of the most silly things to say. maybe you were being modest. or you meant it. I don't know. But believe me when I meant that you look a lot better than you think. you're really cute, and incredibly pretty, but I guess I never got to tell you that even when we were ever so very briefly attached.
I lied when I said I didn't hurt. I lied when I tried to put it behind me so easily, like nothing had happened, like nothing would ever happen. I ruined it for us, our closeness, our friendship, our shreds of intimacy.
I wanted to. I really wanted to be what he wasn't, because it killed me to see you so hurt. But I'm not the one you turn to anymore. ultimately, you don't need to turn at all.
But I couldn't and I wasn't. You didn't love me that way, and vice versa...perhaps. We were just fooling each other. I was lost in my own hurt and distress. I don't know about you.
I hated,, hated that you still loved him, hated that you love him, hated that you got attached again. I resented it. I denied it. I wish it didn't happen but it did, and I was jealous. I was angry. And most of all, I was so hurt.
I wanted to curse him. or somebody. anybody. maybe even you. but you know im not that kind of person. yet again, there's only so long a guy can cry.
guys aren't supposed to cry, are they?
that's just silly.
I don't know why you reacted the way you did about what i said about jen and the electric guitar. true, it was something not meant to joke about. but I've been making so many lame jokes, to cover everything under a layer of immaturity and limited lust, just to try and pretend that i wasn't hurt.
I never want anything bad to happen to you. I'd kill myself before I hurt you myself.
Maybe that's why I've been pretending to be somebody I'm not. everyone in church has noticed it. I know it.
but it';s still easier to pretend than to just..try being angry at you. to try an admit that I was hurt.
I was in love with junice lim for 8 and a half years. Obviously, I don't let go so easily.
I guess I'm a more emotional than physical guy, which is probably why now I desire some sort of intimacy because I've never desired it before.
It makes me feel so lost and confused, and it's hard to leave it all behind, and I wish I wasn't crying, wasn't hurting when I write this post, but I have and I am.
Because at the end of the day, I realize that if I had never sonehow ended up asking you out, I would still love you as I should, as a kor should a mei.
that my love for you would never change only for such a short time before it has to change back, and it just hurts so very much along the way...
the real point im trying to make is that I'm sorry I couldn't say how I feel.
that maybe sometime soon, I'll repeat this all because I'm still hurting.
but not as much.
I don't know why you reacted that way about the jen thing.
I hope it wasn't because you were jealous, but I really doubt it.
I resent myself because I liked it when you were jealous and hate it when you aren't.
it's not right.
if you understand, and forgive me.
then do me a favour and call me. just for a short while.
and tell me that it's okay.
maybe tell me why you reacted that way bt jen and the electric guitar.
pretty idiotic, but I still didn;t get it.
I love you pearl, as I always have, and always will. sometimes when you and I are so close, it's hard not to imagine just crossing that line again...
but you wouldn't, and I couldn't.
with this post, my love for you changes back to what it was always meant to be, that brotherly friendship love we ended up becoming from the moment we first found somebody to talk about.
take care of yourself mei.
I love you.
ShadowFighterX