.Thursday, November 08, 2007 ' 10:17 PM Y
=x
Mood: Harder depression.
Woke up a lot of times today..
weird dreams...possibly premonitions...possibly prophecies...have to know what they are...
found out how Asherah poles look like...
Had tuition. wasn't as bad as I thought.
Went back to sleep. slept for3 and a half hours. I must be really more tired than I thought.
dumb zombies.
taught xian an again. this time it was free throw, defence and dribbling. it's also good for my practice. can pull off a jumper better and better..
today what I'm really depressed about is failing, and not being able to keep my big mouth shut once again.
it's not like his family didn't already know...but i didn't know he didnt know his family knew.
maybe they didn't offer him a chance to turn back...he does get to make his own decisions.
but he shouldn't have to learn the hard way...I know how it feels and god, I just wanted to spare him of his future misery...
why can't I do enough..?
I mean, I thought I suceeded. I really did. He lied to me, and than accused me of slandering him.
it really hurt.
well his sister daoed me today. totally hurt for no reason.
i don't know why.
it's stuff like that which makes me wanna give up.
I didn't exactly have to do any of this...but I volunteered...
everytime I try to help someone, something goes wrong..probably cuz I'm not good enough...
I needed to tell her that I care. Maybe I don't like her in that way,but she's part of my memories. Memories which I've lost. it's not fair that I don't..well..i should at least try to keep that part alive.
it's just so unfair.
so I ask...why, God?
Am I not meant to be a good guy or something? Am I not meant to be myself?
...people tell me they love me and then break my heart all the time...
but getting them to fall in love with me is really so much better...
is that a sick game or just some overwhelming selfless love that I never got to express..?
I just...should really stop trying.
just teach the kid a little b4 he goes to secondary school. at least he won't get bullied or whatever.
maybe, I wasn't meant to come back into the lives of people's whose memories I've lost.
I'm not ashamed of having done what I did 4 years minus 7 days ago. I did it because then, she would know I loved her. It was a bit psycho, but I proved it.
I'm just ashamed that I lost what I already had because of it.
..then maybe, I should go back to my withdrawn-no life.
the first person that I opened up to isn't as close to me as before, so it's hard...
and for my people, they moved on. maybe their memory faded as well, but they...well. don't owe me anything ba.
..and as for..
..but she doesn't exist.
I think I'm meant to be alone.
I'll be honest with you.
Five girls that have hated me, and out of those, 3 changed their minds. 2 told me they liked me. well, at least a long time after breaking away.
There's a certain thing..some sort of satisfaction when somebody doesn't hate you anymore. Or better yet, likes you.
That's not going to happen for her, is it?
I don't have high hopes...for anything...
I just want to pretend...that my memories disappeared that day and stayed that way..
...so I won't try to save them...
...so I won't need to admit how much they need to me...
I just need to sleep so badly God.
I just need to wake up in the morning and pretend things aren't so bad.
I just want to know, that someone's there.
ShadowFighterX