.Wednesday, November 14, 2007 ' 10:56 PM Y
=x
Mood: ..
i felt the change..
as i talk to people. as i behave around people.
i've changed..
hope i don't lose tom. doubt it, but still.
waik's coming back, tomorrow.
sorry ming rui.
but well. you told me she knew. i just wanted to be sure.
hope you don't hate me.
but maybe you will.
i have this uncanny ability to push away the ones who love me and desperately seek love from the ones that don't care about me or just forget me in the end.
today i figured i'd tell wee lin.
that since she and i weren't anything and all, maybe in order not to lose her friends, she should just..maybe stop talking to me altogether.
it's not that she would have a huge loss in her life or anything.
then again. i worry about her 'true' friends.
don't know la.
somehow, people who tell me they love me always break me the most.
..
my parents.
my ex-s.
my friends, even.
so confusing.
so demanding.
can't focus on being me..
i saw my HIJACK future self, after all.
i know how it could turn out. how it SHOULD, turn out.
but i don't want to be that..
yet it seems so much easier.
would it really be better this way?
i don't really have a lot longer to live anyway. well. at the rate im going.
hopefully, i'll make it for my parent's funerals and my godbro's weddings, but..
to be honest.
i don't wanna make it to my wedding.
or my going steady. or whatever.
because if I die, I'm dispensable.
HIJACK. just one of the many.
reality. all of my friends might be struck at the most, but they'll get over it. they'll get attached, married, move on.
no one will remember me.
no one will care.
I don't really..
believe that I will happy...
i don't believe..
that i will matter to people for much longer..
and lastly..
i don't believe...
that people on this earth will ever love properly..
at least.
i will never be loved enough for me to exist fully.
and thus, i will always be cheated of my chance to love someone else.
because the ones i love will not remember me.
and the ones who love me will not stop hurting me.
..why do I feel ..
so discontent?