.Saturday, November 17, 2007 ' 11:21 PM Y
=x
so many thoughts.
nowhere to put them all.
for the past few weeks i've been struggling to make a choice.
to bend my morals.
would it really make me happier?
mm..
i think truly, the most emotional people are the ones who become sadists, cynical, pessimistic...
because to be so sensitive makes you absorb all the crap that is reality.
it's really sad because these people should be decent, loving people.
today i have my answer.
the proof as to why, I should not bend my morals.
it wouldn't change me, i guess.
it would just allow me to harbour my darkness.
that's just..worse.
church was okay.
watched the bee movie. everyone kept stealing my popcorn chicken.
sulwyn seems a lot better now. i was really worried about her.
arcade was hopelessly boring.
ced looked very sian. so he went home.
met up with pearl. won a match and lost a match. poor pearl. that short guy was really fast. about very slightly slower than hopper.
i decided not to elaborate to them about my whole bball career since like. well. ehehe. only pearl will understand this.
speaking of pearl.
dunno why i thought so much about her today.
lately she seems more like my mei than ever. sometimes i wish i never looked at her romantically.
other times, i just wish i was good enough for the people i love.
when jeanette is around, i feel more like me. more relaxed. to say anything i want. we just click as friends really well. but sometimes, I feel more like myself with pearl.
like two different sides of a coin.
for those who know those two sides, i guess it's okay. im glad, because it makes them more compassionate and understanding, and i can return the favour.
for those who don't, i can still be myself..just sometimes showing my other side gets me rejected by the people who can only accept one part of me, and it hurts.
those people have asked me both questions.
why i believe in love so strongly.
and why don't i believe in love.
it's funny.
i never realized i was living a double life. many of us are.
Dearest heavenly father, i pray a lot. for my family. my friends. especially for those who are struggling.
for people who have broken up.
for people who have lost faith in love.
for people whose love ones have left their life.
God...
why do you let them suffer?
and the answer to that is, of course..
well.
something i know ba. it's a very simple answer. irritating, but true and simple.
i wish it wasn't like that.
there have been so many girls in my life after junice. thankfully, none of them are sluts.
some are really great friends who didn't work out eventually, but it works.
some are just really spiteful.
some are plain immature.
some just aren't ready for a relationship.
some are clingy. some are psycho.
at the end of the day.
it's not me who makes a choice to bend my morals.
because being attached for the wrong reasons will never satisfy me.
no matter how much it hurts already. it will get worse.
i believe.. that so many of us are lonely. because we take our parents and our friends for granted. our loved ones. it is hard not to, but we do.
and maybe at the end of the day.
i will be alone.
but i think..
that it is not always so bad to be alone...
when you know.
that you have people who will stick to your side when you need them. who really amaze you with your loyality.
parents who love you even though they don't love each other as much.
and most importantly, a God in heaven who really loves you, but probably has a hard time showing it because of this earth. it is not his fault.
love isn't about being the first place in someone else's life. i've wanted a meaningful, committed loving relationship all my life and i don't have it.
but even though i've known love and even understood love for so long..i forget.
the people who are attached and break up may think they're worse off than everyone else.
but the truth is..
if they didn't break up, things could get so much worse in future.
if they didn't break up, forcing love would not do them good.
there is so much more to life than just love..
i ask you all today, to cherish those you have while you still have. the people you've neglected don't forget. but they still will love you. and you should try.
of course, listen to what i say and not what i do.
sometimes..
a little love is all anyone needs.
ShadowFighterX