.Saturday, November 03, 2007 ' 9:12 PM Y
=x
yawn.
im so..sleepy.
haiz.
well yesterday i have no idea what came over me. why the hell did it hurt me if it wasn't meant to? and i was so arrogant. something even I never expected from myself.
so I was pretty angry and started suffering from the whole withdrawal syndrome thing almost immediately, which really really got me pissed off, so I hit a whole lot of things.
its not easy to live with me.
got tired and cooled down and stoned for about an hour. head felt so empty then.
then I decided that I might as well pay xian yang back his cash, and maybe hang out at his place for awhile and talk about the problems, but I guess he was a little busy with his anime and stuff. still, im grateful because i felt better after I ended up staying over.
couldn't study, couldn't think. running to xy's house and working out also made me feel a little better.
i think the most fun part was probably hanging around their family la. they're really nice people. except a bit loud. lolz. i didn't get a whole lot of sleep.
mm.
i guess i was wrong about wen hui. xian yangs sis. i figured she had changed a lot and was pretty cold (although she gets to be if she wants to, because she is so outta my league.) but the more I see her I guess I realized shes not a whole lot different. she's actually pretty mature. maybe she just enjoys being that way. we all have our ways of being happy.
i still don't have one.
i asked her why she was so cold awhile ago jokingly, which was an incredibly stupid thing to do, because I guess..well. you just don't tell a girl that she's cold la. i hope she isn't hurt or anything, though I sort of doubt it. and she just said that I don't know what cold is yet.
which my first reaction was obviously 'hmmph, you gotta be kidding me.' obviously I didn't say that ba, but..well. it made me think.
anyway, I feel really bad for being so well. mean to her during my whole time over there. as in not really mean ba. but could have been a little nicer, I guess. she's really nice when she wants to be.
so coming back from xy's house today helped me with the whole withdrawal thing. im estimating about a week. in the meantime, I've been thinking a lot about HIJACK..about my future self, at least..
and i realized that I am still ultimately, turning into that person that I never want to become..the less I write, the harder it is for the story to unfold..so in the story, am I really going to become that monster of a guy?
..and if you think this is revealing, you should see what i DON'T WRITE.
and the ironies here is that I am still changing into that person despite the fact that I am aware that I am changing into that person.
and I keep hurting myself without even trying.
and everytime I swear I will never fall for anyone else until I'm older, I always end up...
well you know.
maybe still, but I will never be the same.
a few more times, maybe one more is all it takes before I turn into him..
honestly, he looked a lot happier than me. or well. I looked a lot happier than me.
maybe I'm just going crazy.
but it doesn't make it right.
i can't predict the future, and i sure can't see it properly, but I'm not going to be that person.
i just can't ba.
hopefully, in the four years, when i look back at this post I can safely say im not that person.
or maybe that person will look and laugh.
yeah.
there's one thing I learnt from going over to xian yang's house, at least.
and the truth is wen hui, the cute hard-to-get sister of my close friend isn't cold at all.
I am.
and add really dark inside.
hell. im not me already.
i just hope im not completely changed yet.
ShadowFighterX