.Sunday, December 09, 2007 ' 10:28 PM Y
=x
Mood: Haiz..
today..
is..
undescribable.
wrong spelling. shit.
my english sucks now.
met angie for the first time today. after knowing her for 4 years via msn, rightfully so.
so many thoughts on my mind now..
i remember people being more and more harsh on people like me. somewhat too mature, i guess. society doesn't condone smartasses (won't name obvious examples).
so i changed. not only because of them but from the emotional damage i had taken so far from just about every painful breakup.
just remembering clearing out the ppl with so called crushes..you can't love someone like that..
you cant claim to love someone just because you're touched by the devotion that is shown by that person to someone else..because in truth you really want to be loved like that, but not necessarily by the person showing that devotion/.
so i was really hurt. tsk.
remember cheryl telling me during my first youth camp..
"you may or may not know this but when someone you love tells you that they don't have time for you, it will really kill you,"
and it did, and it does..and...
so confused..
junice.
huh.
i was really..so happy when i got over her.
because i was always upset at myself for hurting myself because of her..
i admired her.
thought about her endlessly.
loved her beyond limits.
i wanted to see her all the time because looking at her each time had some thrill of both obvious desire and pain.
probably worshipped her at some point of time.
if i ask myself.
why was i so pathetic back then..?
the answer would be..
because..
the kid who loved her still isnt' dead yet..
and for that reason i can't be..'luke ho' around her.
even though i know myself now.
and my future self now.
i am still.
never.
going to know her.
to see her.
to love her.
because i am not free of my desires..
and that makes me afraid...
dear God,help me to let go.ShadowFighterX