.Friday, January 11, 2008 ' 6:05 PM Y
=x
Today...
feels weird. a whole mixture of feelings.
yesterday, I asked liqing about my letter and she had either a genuine smile, or more likely, a sneer. but well. she's got my respect for actually answering and not snubbing me.
guess that means my friendship with weelin is over. I didn't exactly write the most heartwarming letter, just the most honest one. so much for that.
does that mean that i shouldn't talk to ming rui anymore? huh.
well here's a confession.
I lost count of the number of almost-relationships I've had with girls. right after it hit double digits. it's not like i ever bothered to count. just came and went.
and everytime she said she liked me and I said no, or it didn't work out, I have NEVER been able to maintain a secure friendship with them.
so...to the one who's been telling me how she felt since quite a while ago already, I'm really sorry. I've been a jerk and I can't handle anything and now, I'm even almost bragging. I can't even explain anything, without seeming like im bragging but it's the truth.
heh, maybe girls will not like me.Gotten back on talking terms with shimin though. if she's reading this by some miracle, I just want to say how sorry I am for referring to you as my psycho lesbian ex-girlfriend. I mean techinically it should be true...
but i had said once that I loved you, even if I didn't mean it. and now I know how much it hurts to be branded by someone that you love. no wonder you answered my question so fast.
what, the, hell. right? :)
well apparentely im a stalker, and you're my psycho les ex-gf. hell, maybe we should have stayed together.
it's a joke.
a bad one.
ah forget it.
today's ankle got me really upset, and more so when i realized what exactly i was doing. quote jamie that girls can smell desperation from a mile away, and from a mile away, I sure seemed pretty desperate.
still, I was blazing today, with my contact lenses. trying to be like what I was. it should have worked, sinced i can still get a bunch of younger girls to giggle if I wink and make people laugh at totally corny jokes. somehow today, I felt powerful after I realized that I hadn't been making excuses when I said I wasn't popular or anything. I still have it.
Of course, anyone reading this knows that I don't, because I don't have bragging rights.
on the court, jian hao, wee and i took on sidney, subhas and hubert and won. would have sucked if we didn't. no offense subhas. but hubert did imply that he was going to purposely try to inflict bodily harm on me, and burning his face with my hook shot made all the difference.
playing with wee again to some degree made me smile. i've always missed the trust he's had in me. so i hugged him. seems like a pretty gay thing to do, but the truth is, I really missed being his friend.
helped rach chung with math. well. more like we helped each other. i still need help, since i haven't actually done it yet..-_-
descriptions for Night Phantom are going quite well. it's hard to find time to write, type, do homework, play bball and watch bleach at the same time, so writing has slowed down a bit. then again, the last time I updated thrice in 5 days, so maybe slowing down a bit is good. updating once a week is probably the safest.
pearly called. she lost a couple of really costly things and i felt pretty bad for her. im sorry,
poke ball... i still can't bear to hear your voice right now. something hurts too much.
i just hope by the end of it, i'll still be your kor.
turns out i still have reserves, so i got liqing's number. pretty smart, eh?
more like stalkerish. then again, those girls SOMEHOW got my handphone number and spammed me, spammed my blog and stuff. and here IM the stalker. oh joy, oh rapture.
so i told her to fuck off and stuff.
just kidding.
im not that bad, ya know.
no, i told her the truth. as honest and as sweetly as i can. clearly, she and i share a mutual hatred, but I don't hate her guts all that much. it's not her fault she's immature. (this is a insult, duh>! im just being a jerk. hehe. right.) nah. i take that back.
i suppose she was just trying to protect her friends and she did what she felt was right, right? I do what I feel is right all the time, and it might just be wrong. ill never know.
talked to ms huang while i was searching desperately for the homework by mr wu. i really miss her as my teacher too. and well...i told her how i felt and she said I was sweet. i hope i wasn't blushing. it's like the teachers were smiling with these weird grins on their faces and i was like..'okay?' i don't think i was overly nice to her. just being honest. and a bit worried. i don't think i have a right to fret over anyone anymore though, so maybe i won't bother anymore...
maybe.
clarissa looks more mature nowadays. and when i look at her, i feel nothing for her. because she's a different person now. maybe not all that different, but not the one i fell for.
im glad. because it means i have hope. as everyone else.
and now for the serious stuff.
for weelin, I don't know why you chose what you chose. I really believed, that being horrible over the hols was my fault. I broke my promise to never hurt you. I broke my promise to always be there for you. But I did say that it was only if it ever worked out between you and me. there are somethings i should always take responsibility for, like being insecure and a bit of a jerk towards your friends (although they did start it). but I will never, ever, blame myself entirely for this happening. I've blamed myself enough.
I'm not perfect. still growing up. going to be sixteen in another month. and...i hope that as i get older, I'll be ready for love again.
I don't blame you either. or hate you. I just can't look you in your contacts that you told me you were getting over the holidays and remember that it's the same girl who told me she liked me in front of my latest arch enemy's house, or who told me she felt like she could tell me anything. these are things I will always remember, always cherish, but not from you. from someone I cared about a lot back then.
Do you want me to be honest? I had this silly, stupid fantasy in my head that if it worked out, a few months from now I'd be telling you how I really felt when we first met. and I don't regret meeting up and the whole sidney thing and creeping liqing out. truth be told, I found you a little annoying at first, but I soon got fond of it. i did.
and I couldn't tell you I loved you because I was scared.
I don't believe that it was love, wee lin. You can never fall in love with someone you don't know, and
if I don't know you like I thought I did, then I fell for someone else, didn't I?
I wish it hadn't ended this way. but then again, maybe you will never read this...because you may not ever care about me again in any way. somehow...that's depressing...but also a relief.
so this is how it ends.
buh-bye.
do you remember?I've never been too fond of smiles. For those of you who grew up with me-tom, waik, pam, adrian and the rest. some of you know that I can't form a smile on my face at will. and thinking about everything i'm typing out now...my own emotions and thoughts instead of Ren Ho's and Clarissa's and ShadowFighterX and every other character in my novel's. it becomes stronger. I...become stronger.
there is something so special about someone's smile. I've always wanted a photographic memory, but I don't. But smiles...certain smiles that capture their moment in time, are also captured in my head.
I can smile because I have made someone else smile. I can smile because I know that every person likes to know they're cared about, even if it gets annoying. I can smile because I know at the end of an accursed day, at the end of my life, I'll be deliriously happy.
Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?Someone once told me that when she saw me smile for the first time, it was like magic. One of the most beautiful things she had ever seen. I've hardly seen myself smile because it's so hard to be genuinely happy, let alone smile... but there are somedays...Somedays, there are things worth smiling for.I'm smiling.ShadowFighterX